just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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