I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
