Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
