Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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