I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
