new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The air taste purple.
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