well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
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In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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