My room smells like vodka and shame
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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