i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
