Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
