last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
