The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
