My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
