One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
