you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
