Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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