I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's official drugs can't kill me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
