if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
