Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
