So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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