mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
