I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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