You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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