If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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