She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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