hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
