and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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