Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
