Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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