I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
