Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
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he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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