Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
