I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sext me about skeletons
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
