remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
