your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
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You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.