I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
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i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.