I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important