a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
