If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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