Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Is it because I queefed?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
