Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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