Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
