We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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