Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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