It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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