I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
