Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
