worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
