I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
