i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
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I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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