I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
