Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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