cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
