So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
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You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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