i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
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And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
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I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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