Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
People in love make me want to vomit
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
