FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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