Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
