A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
