So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
