I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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